[ very abruptly there's a sharp, striking pang of fear, only reflected in Req's body as a sudden slimming of her wings, the feathers going flat, and her skin suddenly looking a bit greyer than usual.
and she desperately tries to force it down and away, smothering it with a slightly uneasy humor. ]
Maybe not a tunnel. I think a room's pretty good, right?
[ curls a wing around her, comforted by her warmth and the talking-- even if it's talking about this, the fear is low-lying and more of a discomfort than the shock of terror it was before, with nem to concentrate on.
she seems a bit embarrassed though, awkward, and shrugs as she looks away. ]
... never really stopped dreaming about it. Doesn't come up much, though, so-- it's fine.
[Her tone is lighter than her emotions, churning dark and shamed and sad and still a little angry. Eventually they smooth out, slide down into something more grimly affable]
And I can think of a couple times right off the top of my head, so... I--accept responsibility, is all.
There's no responsibility for you to accept. And I can't think of nothing else, so.
[ frowns, at the feelings-- her own are sympathetic, sure, but she doesn't regret the thought of anything she's done in that vein, and there's a very small thread of irritation at the thought that nem doesn't believe her--
but it quickly fades, as she tries to shape her response more into gentle reassurance and love and acceptance. ]
... besides, you did the same thing in the button game, so-- if nothing else, it's even, right?
[at the mention of the button game, that nasty, nauseating ball of hurt and shame (and maybe a little more resentment, more unfocused this time) swells up like a bruise, and she looks away, shoulders tight]
[ the positive feelings settle down into anxiety and hurt, swallowed by it, more than a little focused on that resentment now that she's felt it.
and there's a rise of anger-- no, deeper, more like loathing-- turned entirely inwards, as she releases nem's hand and shifts her wing, giving her the option to withdraw so she doesn't have to feel crowded. ]
Well, speaking of fucking things up.
[ the regret does burn now, immediate and strong, entangled with that self-loathing and sparking through with fear, trying and failing to gather those feelings up into something tiny and contained and away from hers, because why the fuck would she want to feel that anyway.
(it doesn't work; her feelings at any given time operating at an intensity of a too-full pot starting to bubble over) ]
Sorry. If you really don't want to talk about it I won't.
[Hunches her shoulders further, wrapping her freed arms around her middle; purses her lips, expression sour and insides sick and bitter and sad and resigned. Of course, of course, good job.]
Last I heard you didn't want to hear it, so...
[Sucks in a breath; it's not particularly cleansing at all, but she's able to put a lid on her emotions a little better at least, wrapped up in cold, dull quiet; surely no one wants to hear it after all]
--Anyways. What's done is done. Just--don't worry about it.
Said that about one thing, not about everything. We said we'd talk about everything else later, and that was a month ago, and it's clearly not done cuz you're still just as bitter about it as you were when it happened.
So I don't... know what to do, right now. I brought it up cuz you're here beating yourself up that I chose to die for you, and you did the same thing, so I just thought that-- that it would show we don't gotta regret that we did that stuff for each other. Or blame ourselves for it anymore.
[ the offense drains off, leaving that tired regret and hurt in its place entirely. ]
We just said we would work on this stuff together, Nem. It seemed like... for once, something I said like that kind of... I dunno, meant something to you. I coulda misunderstood, s'not like I'm good at this feelings thing? So... yeah, I'm gonna worry about it.
[ she's hesitant for a long moment, but starts walking, motioning for nem to follow. ]
C'mon, let's... go find somewhere to sit. Maybe we should just start over from the beginning.
[Deflates as well, the tight, nasty feeling leaking out and leaving her achingly hollow. She trails after, head low with shame and arms pressed even more tightly to her body. There's no protest to be made, certainly no denials. Her throat goes thick, and she tries to shove back another wave of sickly guilt and regret--not because she doesn't deserve to feel it, but because it doesn't matter.
[Eventually she forces stiff words from her hoarse throat, sat safely or no, just speaking before she loses her nerve]
--Your wings. And eye and stuff, all the stuff you were ready to lop off the other day. That was me, that was 'cause of what I did. How can you not-- How can you be okay with that?
[ she'll at least get them to a park bench, yeah, and sit an arm's length from her, to give her any distance she might need, honestly just... feeling worse and worse the longer nem's feelings simmer like that.
she seems to be deciding what to say when nem speaks again and she's startled, thoroughly confused. ]
... what? No it ain't, it's from that angel jerk. I'm not okay with-- you know, getting absolutely blasted, but everyone did. We all got messed up. Why would I blame you for something I wanted to be a part of?
[ the confusion stays, though it's tinged now with empathy, and a little distress.
but it's all inward, or reaction to nem's feelings-- nothing negative directed really at her, and more baffled and alarmed that she blames herself at all. ]
Listen. You can believe what you want but this is the truth, okay? We fucked it up, sure, but I don't blame you. I'll never blame you. You got hurt just as bad as the rest of us, you have permanent shit on you just like the rest of us. We were all in it together. There was nothing you could have done short of killing me yourself to prevent me from trying to help either you guys, or Ellie. I wanted to be there.
[ a pause. ]
... and the last game's shit-- that was nothing to do with just the wings, you know. If it weren't for you and Sabre stopping me from doing it, I was ready to cut off my ears and tear out my teeth and rip off my skin. Awful shit. That's not cuz of the corruptions. That's cuz I'm already a weirdo to begin with. I'm a vampire. I'm never going to be normal, no matter what some junked up voice in my head was telling me-- preventing that was never your responsibility.
[ softer, sincerely grateful; ]
You guys kept me together. I'm sorry that you had to deal with all that in the first place. ... but thank you, for doing it.
[still is, at the memory of Req’s fingers clawing into her skin, the desperation in her voice, at how helpless she herself was to stop it. At the same time, defiance sprouts up—why has she got to be normal anyway? Why would she want to when she’s cool and strong and beautiful and good as she is?]
...What can I do to be—better, for you? Other than stop saying stupid mean shit all the time?
Sabre had other peeps to worry about too. I'm sure she was glad for the break. Doesn't matter how much or little you did-- you helped.
[ curious and intrigued by that rise of emotion, but doesn't focus on it-- the question brings up a feeling of uncertainty and mild exasperation, that love rising up again whether she wants it to or not, more of a deep ache than something soft and sweet. ]
Why you gotta be better for me? I like you the way you are. I don't-- I can't fix all the junk wrong with you like you can't fix all the junk wrong with me too, but I just... want you to be able to be comfortable, one day. Maybe with me, if you wanted it. I dunno how to make that happen, I ain't a therapist. But I hope... one day, it can.
You deserve better than this place.
[ and better than me, says that feeling of self- loathing twisting up within her again, though it's met with her own selfish, needy affection-- of wanting Nem's attentions, possessive, thankfully tempered by that self- loathing to begin with and the much stronger desire to see her happy. ]
... if there's something you wanna change it should be for yourself. Because I like this you.
[Very few deserve as good as Req, though, much less better than her--this is a stout belief, even stronger than the feeling that Nemesis is not quite up to snuff, not yet. She is somewhere between dismissive and anxious about the rest; the idea of seeing someone to be "fixed" prompts legitimate fear that is surely not worth examining further, even if that itself is another mood change that is probably not normal in a bad way not a cool vampire way?]
...And you should have higher standards.
[Resigned--tired of being worked up--rather than argue she just sighs, pulling her knees up to balance on the edge of the bench--carefully offers her hand out between them]
[ there's staunch disagreement in that-- nem IS good enough, more than-- but it's washed away a bit by the offer of her hand, surprised and a little flattered.
[hesitates again, then takes Requiem's hand, slow enough that she could take it back if she wanted to--she certainly has the right to do so. offers the idea that Requiem is in fact very good, and that she would like to touch her though it is not required or expected, and--finally--feelings of genuine apology, not requesting forgiveness but just acknowledging that she fucked up and that she's sorry for it, with effort made to keep it simple as that, rather than other unnecessary feelings bleeding in]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
...Could look for a comfy subway tunnel. Then there's a ceiling to hang from, too.
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
and she desperately tries to force it down and away, smothering it with a slightly uneasy humor. ]
Maybe not a tunnel. I think a room's pretty good, right?
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
[guilt wells up like a leaf-filled gutter, and she sends out feelings of apology and (slightly panicky) reassurance]
So--yeah, wherever you want. So long's it ain't in full view of everybody, I ain't too picky...
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Maybe somewhere high up, then...
[ a pause. then, a little awkwardly. ]
... sorry. Know you were just trying to joke.
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
[pauses, nudging back against her, sorry]
...Didn't know it was that bad, though.
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
she seems a bit embarrassed though, awkward, and shrugs as she looks away. ]
... never really stopped dreaming about it. Doesn't come up much, though, so-- it's fine.
[ she seems to believe so, anyway. ]
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
[hunches up a little, awkward even while trying very hard not to seem like it]
Sorry...for then.
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
[ lightly confused ]
"For then?"
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
[ more confusion... a little indignation ]
I did that on purpose. I like it when you live instead of dying horribly, you know.
And you've never fucked up things like that, so I dunno where that's comin' from.
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
[Her tone is lighter than her emotions, churning dark and shamed and sad and still a little angry. Eventually they smooth out, slide down into something more grimly affable]
And I can think of a couple times right off the top of my head, so... I--accept responsibility, is all.
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
[ frowns, at the feelings-- her own are sympathetic, sure, but she doesn't regret the thought of anything she's done in that vein, and there's a very small thread of irritation at the thought that nem doesn't believe her--
but it quickly fades, as she tries to shape her response more into gentle reassurance and love and acceptance. ]
... besides, you did the same thing in the button game, so-- if nothing else, it's even, right?
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
...Yeah, sure. Forget it, never mind.
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
and there's a rise of anger-- no, deeper, more like loathing-- turned entirely inwards, as she releases nem's hand and shifts her wing, giving her the option to withdraw so she doesn't have to feel crowded. ]
Well, speaking of fucking things up.
[ the regret does burn now, immediate and strong, entangled with that self-loathing and sparking through with fear, trying and failing to gather those feelings up into something tiny and contained and away from hers, because why the fuck would she want to feel that anyway.
(it doesn't work; her feelings at any given time operating at an intensity of a too-full pot starting to bubble over) ]
Sorry. If you really don't want to talk about it I won't.
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Last I heard you didn't want to hear it, so...
[Sucks in a breath; it's not particularly cleansing at all, but she's able to put a lid on her emotions a little better at least, wrapped up in cold, dull quiet; surely no one wants to hear it after all]
--Anyways. What's done is done. Just--don't worry about it.
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Said that about one thing, not about everything. We said we'd talk about everything else later, and that was a month ago, and it's clearly not done cuz you're still just as bitter about it as you were when it happened.
So I don't... know what to do, right now. I brought it up cuz you're here beating yourself up that I chose to die for you, and you did the same thing, so I just thought that-- that it would show we don't gotta regret that we did that stuff for each other. Or blame ourselves for it anymore.
[ the offense drains off, leaving that tired regret and hurt in its place entirely. ]
We just said we would work on this stuff together, Nem. It seemed like... for once, something I said like that kind of... I dunno, meant something to you. I coulda misunderstood, s'not like I'm good at this feelings thing? So... yeah, I'm gonna worry about it.
[ she's hesitant for a long moment, but starts walking, motioning for nem to follow. ]
C'mon, let's... go find somewhere to sit. Maybe we should just start over from the beginning.
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
[Eventually she forces stiff words from her hoarse throat, sat safely or no, just speaking before she loses her nerve]
--Your wings. And eye and stuff, all the stuff you were ready to lop off the other day. That was me, that was 'cause of what I did. How can you not-- How can you be okay with that?
[Surely she wasn't--who could be?]
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
she seems to be deciding what to say when nem speaks again and she's startled, thoroughly confused. ]
... what? No it ain't, it's from that angel jerk. I'm not okay with-- you know, getting absolutely blasted, but everyone did. We all got messed up. Why would I blame you for something I wanted to be a part of?
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
[Her tone at least attempts to be plain, matter-of-fact, though it shivers with apology]
When you said you wanted to get rid of 'em--
[More unease, queasy with the memory]
--Guess that was my fault, too...mind-whammy or no. So--ain't worth much, but I accept responsibility. That's what I was meaning to get at.
[Despite getting immediately sidebarred...]
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
but it's all inward, or reaction to nem's feelings-- nothing negative directed really at her, and more baffled and alarmed that she blames herself at all. ]
Listen. You can believe what you want but this is the truth, okay? We fucked it up, sure, but I don't blame you. I'll never blame you. You got hurt just as bad as the rest of us, you have permanent shit on you just like the rest of us. We were all in it together. There was nothing you could have done short of killing me yourself to prevent me from trying to help either you guys, or Ellie. I wanted to be there.
[ a pause. ]
... and the last game's shit-- that was nothing to do with just the wings, you know. If it weren't for you and Sabre stopping me from doing it, I was ready to cut off my ears and tear out my teeth and rip off my skin. Awful shit. That's not cuz of the corruptions. That's cuz I'm already a weirdo to begin with. I'm a vampire. I'm never going to be normal, no matter what some junked up voice in my head was telling me-- preventing that was never your responsibility.
[ softer, sincerely grateful; ]
You guys kept me together. I'm sorry that you had to deal with all that in the first place. ... but thank you, for doing it.
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
[still is, at the memory of Req’s fingers clawing into her skin, the desperation in her voice, at how helpless she herself was to stop it. At the same time, defiance sprouts up—why has she got to be normal anyway? Why would she want to when she’s cool and strong and beautiful and good as she is?]
...What can I do to be—better, for you? Other than stop saying stupid mean shit all the time?
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
[ curious and intrigued by that rise of emotion, but doesn't focus on it-- the question brings up a feeling of uncertainty and mild exasperation, that love rising up again whether she wants it to or not, more of a deep ache than something soft and sweet. ]
Why you gotta be better for me? I like you the way you are. I don't-- I can't fix all the junk wrong with you like you can't fix all the junk wrong with me too, but I just... want you to be able to be comfortable, one day. Maybe with me, if you wanted it. I dunno how to make that happen, I ain't a therapist. But I hope... one day, it can.
You deserve better than this place.
[ and better than me, says that feeling of self- loathing twisting up within her again, though it's met with her own selfish, needy affection-- of wanting Nem's attentions, possessive, thankfully tempered by that self- loathing to begin with and the much stronger desire to see her happy. ]
... if there's something you wanna change it should be for yourself. Because I like this you.
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
[Very few deserve as good as Req, though, much less better than her--this is a stout belief, even stronger than the feeling that Nemesis is not quite up to snuff, not yet. She is somewhere between dismissive and anxious about the rest; the idea of seeing someone to be "fixed" prompts legitimate fear that is surely not worth examining further, even if that itself is another mood change that is probably not normal in a bad way not a cool vampire way?]
...And you should have higher standards.
[Resigned--tired of being worked up--rather than argue she just sighs, pulling her knees up to balance on the edge of the bench--carefully offers her hand out between them]
...Can I...?
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
[ there's staunch disagreement in that-- nem IS good enough, more than-- but it's washed away a bit by the offer of her hand, surprised and a little flattered.
... carefully, she offers hers. ]
You want to?
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
[hesitates again, then takes Requiem's hand, slow enough that she could take it back if she wanted to--she certainly has the right to do so. offers the idea that Requiem is in fact very good, and that she would like to touch her though it is not required or expected, and--finally--feelings of genuine apology, not requesting forgiveness but just acknowledging that she fucked up and that she's sorry for it, with effort made to keep it simple as that, rather than other unnecessary feelings bleeding in]
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share
Re: Day 235 - Emotion Share